There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
