I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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