Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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