The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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