dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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