can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
