Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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