I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
