I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
