I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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