I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
