My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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