got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
