You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
then he tried to convert me to islam
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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