dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
