I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
