So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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