i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
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We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
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I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?