Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?