Texts From Last Night

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  (312): View more from Illinois

  We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.

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  (312): We made it safely. Thanks for the call though. http://tfl.nu/g3rc
  Replies (12) Good night (1262) Bad night (1318)
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  (310): View more from California

  Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  b/c u have herpes

  (310): View more from California

  No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

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  (310): Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss? (770): b/c u have herpes (310): No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole. http://tfl.nu/unxh
  Replies (19) Good night (1174) Bad night (5671)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  wtf, did you fuck a retard?!

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  (860): he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape (617): wtf, did you fuck a retard?! http://tfl.nu/q1iv
  Replies (11) Good night (1009) Bad night (4308)
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  (769): View more from Mississippi

  she said she likes her vagina punished

  (1-769): View more from Mississippi

  being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

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  (769): she said she likes her vagina punished (1-769): being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough http://tfl.nu/ts79
  Replies (35) Good night (1936) Bad night (7289)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance

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  (207): i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance http://tfl.nu/4kjn
  Replies (3) Good night (3737) Bad night (831)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.

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  (724): I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do. http://tfl.nu/rr6r
  Replies (20) Good night (1272) Bad night (2203)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?

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  (780): Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job? http://tfl.nu/b4va
  Replies (7) Good night (752) Bad night (1524)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

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  (509): My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand http://tfl.nu/ch2o
  Replies (15) Good night (2910) Bad night (629)
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  (716): View more from New York

  Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf

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  (716): Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf http://tfl.nu/cswi
  Replies (5) Good night (1184) Bad night (526)
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.

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  (307): I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband. http://tfl.nu/qjl3
  Replies (10) Good night (2996) Bad night (532)
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  (518): View more from New York

  I can't help that I bring out the sex in people

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  (518): I can't help that I bring out the sex in people http://tfl.nu/k6ds
  Replies (1) Good night (843) Bad night (361)
• Favorite

  (251): View more from Alabama

  My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.

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  (251): My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult. http://tfl.nu/4jpl
  Replies (0) Good night (742) Bad night (298)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.

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  (773): Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there. http://tfl.nu/z9zi
  Replies (3) Good night (486) Bad night (640)
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter

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  (709): Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter http://tfl.nu/qto5
  Replies (5) Good night (871) Bad night (245)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.

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  (206): Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault. http://tfl.nu/cmwc
  Replies (4) Good night (384) Bad night (753)

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