Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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