I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
