At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
