And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize
