every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.