i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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