Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
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