If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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