i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?