im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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