I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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