i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
