i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
