u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
