I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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