ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
