totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
