so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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