It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
