Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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