guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
