took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
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Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
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Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
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