listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
a search helicopter?!
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
