It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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