I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
