It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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