I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
