I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
