My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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