you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
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At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
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I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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