Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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