My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
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So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
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I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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