I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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