some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
