there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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