apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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