community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
