Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
