perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
