I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
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