I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
