im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
